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Here we are…it’s 2022 and my life is in flux. I know I am not alone in the experience of the last 2 years.  Two years ago, I was

–in a stable job of 14 years

–enjoying teaching Yoga- especially teacher training as well as respectful relationships with other teachers and the income for extra training and really cute yoga pants

–not depressed

–not dreading the next Covid ‘wave’

–looking forward to a potential change in politics void of divisive, sickening rhetoric

I had no idea that I would be changed so dramatically by the pandemic. I lost my job.  My grown kids moved in.  Most importantly, I lost my passion for Yoga- both the practice and the teaching of the form. While all the other changes were tolerable, the loss of Yoga in my life has been devastating.  I foolishly thought that my time as a Yoga teacher had arrived- I could finally try teaching full-time.

Obviously, the timing could not have been worse.  Even if students were willing or able to show up, I began to realize that attaching a financial pressure to my teaching was a huge mistake.  After the closure of my favorite place to practice and teach (as well as a falling out with my mentor), I slowly began to lose my personal practice.  My teaching began to be filled with fear and dread- I now needed a certain number of students to show up in order for me to pay for gas and expenses.  My joy slowly evaporated like a balloon with a pin hole leaking out all the air leaving me empty and deeply sad.

With this loss, I began to become aware that I was also losing all the benefits of my regular practice.  My digestive issues and aches and pains returned.  My depression began creeping back in.  My forgotten bad habits began to show up and I couldn’t say ‘no’ to the things I had learned to live without (unhealthy eating, poor sleep and a renewed inability to regulate my emotions and reactions).  Road rage made a comeback- something I was SO proud I ‘overcame’.  Nope.

Of course, I gained a bit of weight but this isn’t really the greatest tragedy.  The mental health benefits from Yoga began to fade and were replaced with all the old skeletons of depression, anxiety and loss of purpose.  Those skeletons leapt out of the closet and back into the forefront of my life.  I cringed as I reflected on how arrogant I had become.  I began to re-learn everything I thought I knew.  I looked around at the ‘devastation’ and knew I had to start again.  You see, I remembered that Yoga is a practice.  We will not reach a destination and we will never complete all tasks or reach all the landmarks.  Without the practice, Yoga is not present and a vacuum is created which sucks in all the debris and bullshit we thought we had banished.  Again, nope.  Those things do not leave us, they just hide in the dark corner waiting to leap out again.  This dark night of the soul, dark side of our personality, and darkness in general is an integral aspect of our life.  The darkness is a great teacher.

Yesterday, after teaching my first Yoga class in months, I had an epiphany:

I WAS DOING IT ALL WRONG.

In Yoga (specifically Ayurveda, the sister science to Yoga), we have three Doshas: Pitta, Vata and Kapha.  We learn to live in harmony with our Dosha (our constitution which is a mixture of our physical type, our personality and the ‘elements’ that propel us: fire, air, water, space and earth).  We learn the type of Yoga that is best for balance and avoidance of injury.  We learn the foods and daily rhythms that bring us into harmony.  This is different for each Dosha and varies from person to person. 

Well, I was disregarding some very important aspects of my Dosha (Pitta/Fire and Water) which meant that when I lost my practice, I lost my balance. However, during my epiphany, I realized the loss was a gift.  I needed to be knocked down to re-evaluate how I was fooling myself and that my practice and my teaching were driven by my Ego.  When the Ego is in charge, any perceived balance or harmony is an illusion – for when things start to go against the Ego, the house collapses.  I lost all the trappings that held up my house and it fell down.

On the day of my small breakthrough, I meditated in class with my students as we practiced the Vishuddha Mudra.  Tears began to flow down my cheeks.  In my head, I heard ‘Peace is Here’ over and over.  I knew I rediscovered my practice.  Today, I was inspired to write a blog after over two years of silence. 

Life is good with Yoga.

Namaste

Renee

Recovering Yogi

Another icy stare

with thin, dark eyes

surveys the masses

looking out with judgment and hate.

The shooter proclaims

JUSTICE!

and blood flows from the victims

slowly blending with the tears of those who loved them.

As another newsfeed crawls by,

in disbelief we sigh

and share and ‘like’

and even give of ourselves

for one shining hour, one day or some other temporary way.

Then, we scurry and hurry

to the next moment

the next post

the next shiny, viral something.

We proclaim, WE WILL NOT FORGET!

yet we do, we did and sadly,

we will again, until the next time

those terrible eyes glaze over

narrowed with anger and evil intent,

the loaded weapon of ignorant insanity

fires again and again

with a terrible sound

WE ALL CAN HEAR!

We hear the sound, but we do not listen to its vibration.

Our shoulders permanently shrugged

Our eyes glaze over.

We forgot; we forget.

By: Renee Howerton

Originally inspired by the shooting at the Pulse in Orlando and I found it today, September 6th, 2020. It still rings so true and my heart hurts.

I don’t want to be any of the things I was before.

Shedding the skin and dropping the mask

and breathe just as I am.

Possibly nothing and probably a failure

in someone’s thoughts.

Yet, not sure if all that doing and being has value to me now.

Just unsure and stepping back to observe reactions

when I am still

not just mine but other’s too.

Encountering disappointment that I do not own.

Encountering anger that does not arise from me.

Yet it is present and blowing in my face

with gentle fury of one who wants me to be

doing something

always doing something.

• 

“Nobody told me there’d be days like these.  Strange days indeed.”

John Lennon

Reeling from a pandemic and its effect on our society, economy and personal lives, we are all living in strange days…indeed.  While some remain untouched in their glass houses, most of us will not come out of this unscathed.  With an unemployment rate that rivals the Great Depression, our country is in the midst of a new kind of depression.  It’s a virus of not only body, but hearts and souls are also becoming sick.  Worry, stress and anxiety can overtake us as we navigate isolation, job loss and fear of the future.

Now, we wear masks when we venture out in public.  The masks prevent the spread of the virus between our bodies but an important human connection is being interrupted.  I find myself smiling under my mask yet no one can see it.  I cannot see the facial cues from others…are you a threat or a friend? “Are you smiling under your mask?”, I wonder as I observe the changing landscape of human interaction.  After my job loss, I ventured to my old office to pick up my ‘stuff’ and say goodbye to the people I spent the larger part of fifteen years working beside.  We all wore our masks and there were no goodbye hugs.  I could see their eyes but this didn’t tell me much.  There were no tears and I was left with an odd numb feeling.  I have been on the other side of this situation. I was the survivor and now, I am the loser.  I know they felt a sense of relief that they were on the ‘right’ side of the situation (better you than me).  I felt immeasurably smaller and my role in the world suddenly diminished.  A younger person who I trained now occupies my ‘space’ there.

The ‘mask’ I wore in that job role has fallen away.  My ego is bruised and I am angry and hurt.  The irony is that I didn’t want to be there any longer but couldn’t seem to dislodge myself from the perception that I ‘needed’ the money.  I know it’s right for me and it will allow me to attempt to make a living at teaching Yoga.  I guess I wanted to choose the time and place of my exit but that wasn’t what the universe planned.  I am being ‘paid’ to leave so it couldn’t be more ‘ideal’.  I will do without A LOT of material things and I will be living on a strict budget.  We all know that those material things don’t make us happier yet the fear of losing the ability to buy stuff is real.  In reality, we are being conditioned to believe that we need all this ‘stuff’ to be happy and acceptable to society.

I keep hoping that the isolation…the quiet places we find when we are alone will help us to lift the masks that hide our true selves.  We are not the roles we play at work, we are not our possessions and we are not the ‘identity’ that we have built around all the stuff we accumulate.  However, many people are going to go right back to identifying with all the junk clouding the perception of the truth.  They will even somehow believe that if they are the ‘lucky’ ones who still have a job that this makes them superior and more deserving than those of us who were freed from those chains.  We need to wake up and not be afraid to have fewer possessions.  Many in the spiritual community feel this is the time to wake up but truthfully, I don’t believe most of us will.  Those superior people still buying up toilet paper and disinfectant and clinging desperately to their identity will look down on those who cannot or choose not to continue to consume everything in sight like locusts.

Even when literal masks can come off, many will still have their metaphoric mask firmly in place.   They will not see that fear rules every aspect of their lives.  They will not see their true potential and will continue to believe that they are what they can buy or where they stand in the ‘pecking order’ of the workplace.

While walking with my grandson in the park, we saw a man sitting by the pond.  Sam pointed to him and whispered, “Nay Nay, does he have the virus?”.  I had no other answer than, “Sam, we just don’t know”.

We don’t know do we?  Who has the virus?  Who will come out of this alive or ‘on top’?  Who will wake up?  Who will remain asleep?  If enough people take off their masks, can we make the world a better place?

I don’t know.  Strange Days Indeed.

Namaste

Renee

A full-time Yoga teacher

Taking the Long Road Home

Unless you are blissfully living under a rock, I am sure you are aware that right now, the world is in the midst of a global pandemic.  The effects of this are widespread.  We practice ‘social distancing’, working from home or not leaving our house at all.  We order our groceries for delivery.  Some of us are soothing our anxiety and fear by purchasing comfort food, stocking up on an enormous amount of toilet paper and compulsively checking social media.  The less fortunate are suddenly without a paycheck and no safety net to stave off homelessness or hunger.  The inequities in our economic, health care and political systems are being exposed while the rich sell off stocks and governments fight over who deserves help and who should languish.

As a Yoga teacher, I have radically changed the way I teach. My classes are on-line, streaming from Facebook and YouTube.  Teaching to a camera is strange, disorienting and it feels cold.   I am so used to watching my students and laughing through the inevitable snafus (knocking things over, falling out of a pose, getting my left and right mixed up) and moving on.  However, now, my ‘boo boo’s’ are on display for strangers, trolls and will be out there for infinity.  This is a small sacrifice to pay and my ego will survive.

But…what about humanity? How does this change us?  Obviously, it will make its mark on each individual.  However, some believe this is a much bigger wake-up call…much more…‘spiritual’ in nature.

Yep, that’s right.  I am saying humanity is waking up – not just some of us, but hopefully, every single one of us.  After the dust settles, some will still ignore the true nature of consciousness and our ‘reality’ but many millions will be forever changed for the better.  Don’t mistake what I am saying- what we are experiencing is not great right now.  People are sick. Some are dying.  I am not making light of that.  Loss and death are painful.  We all know in our heart that we are not making it out of this ‘state of mind’ and physical body alive (in a way we understand with this limited brain). I am full of fear and anxiety myself. My only relief is Yoga, chanting and meditation (and a good dose of humor now and then).

On my personal path, I have struggled with the spinning of my own mind, the likes and dislikes of my ego and my ever-changing emotions.  I have tried to force my brain to wrap around complex subjects like consciousness and enlightenment.  The only time I make any ‘progress’ is when I let go of all conceptualizing and look within.  I can credit Eckhart Tolle for my ideas here.  He was asked about reincarnation and just ‘who’ is it that keeps coming in and out of physical forms to become a being ‘having a human experience’. The great thing is..he didn’t explain ‘who’ this is in his answer. He simply said to look within and find all the answers you need.

Whether you believe in reincarnation or not is irrelevant.  We all ‘know’ there is more to everything than this limited scope of bodily senses, spinning thoughts and experiences.  When we step back from all the buzzing and noise and activity and become still, something magical happens.  There’s something more and words can’t even come close to describing it or explaining it.  It just IS.  Some call it a ‘witness’ or a ‘soul’ or ‘God’.

So, how does a pandemic of epic proportions help us wake up?

This physical disconnection between us as human beings (we are social creatures after all) is showing us just how connected we are!  I miss hugging people…all kinds of people!  I am hugger although I know everyone is not, but most people need to be in the physical presence of other human beings at times.

People are going outside and appreciating nature!  Watching TV and surfing around on social media can become quite tedious.  Reconnecting with the natural world is key to raising our consciousness.

The better angels of our nature as humans is expressing itself during this crisis. The majority of us are being kinder, more patient and willing to help others.

The earth is healing a bit – and getting a breather from pollution!

The pace of our daily lives is slowing down as we are required to ‘shelter in place’.  While there is stress and chaos, there are more moments available to pause and reflect on what’s truly important.  For those of us who are ‘tuned in’ and meditating or chanting or doing Yoga, we are more and more aware of the effects of our practice and how important it is to us.

There is power in global consciousness to lift us all up above the turnings of our individual minds.  Eckhart said…Consciousness is turning to look at itself, its own creation- like a mirror.  After eons of creation, it’s time to step back and breathe in the beauty of life and know that inside each of us is the same thread.  ‘We’ forgot where we came from, but ‘we’ can wake up and remember.

I know I probably didn’t answer the question.  Perhaps, if I meditate, it will come to me.

Namaste

Renee

Aspiring Yogi

Human who has none of the answers to life’s big questions but keeps on asking anyway.

Lover of goats (who just realized there are no photos of goats in this post and this must be remedied immediately)

No one is illegitimate
No one is inferior

All are imbued with divinity
All are coming to the light
In their own way
In their own time.

All judgments are a way to delay wisdom
When we pay attention
We already know the divine

Why?
Because divinity already lies here, there and everywhere
This is too simple for us
As we want it to be
Out of reach
For those who do not appear to be seeking.

Yet, there it is
Floating just within our grasp
And we want it to be special
As if, special is not common.

No, you are not special.
You are only the divine.

Truth – why does it seem elusive?
It seems to be within the grasp of anyone who chooses.
Yet, to the last, it flows through the fingertips
Like wisps of smoke on ether.

What if
We are rejecting the truth that
Begs to be born in thought, speech or deed?
Falling back to the depths of ignorance
We passively float on the wings of the wind of fate.

We feel the pull towards the nape of the neck
Lifted and saved by the brace of gravity
Afraid again to be lifted to what is real
Fear embedded so deeply in our consciousness
It has swarmed and taken over like bees
Building and evolving
Into a hive of unrelenting stickiness.

Stuck, we accept our fate
Marching along in the tasty muck
Barely tasting our karmic creation
Yet we may not see it is the honey of knowledge
And the milk of wisdom.

Many, many, many times
We have journeyed here.
Exploding worlds and burning skies
Are not foreign or familiar.
Destruction and rebirth are
The Story of the Cosmos

 

Renee Howerton
Aspiring Yogi
Lover of Goats
Potential Poet

It’s no secret that I believe in the power of Yoga to transform your life, your relationships and your health.  As a Yoga teacher, I have witnessed the magic of Yoga through my students as well as my own ongoing personal journey and Yoga practice.  Before I start to sound preachy or condescending, I still struggle to live a balanced life, relax when needed, eat and sleep properly, meditate daily and practice Yoga daily.  Old habits die hard….and I have 50 years of poor habits under my belt to overcome.

So, with that disclaimer out of the way, let’s look at how becoming a Yoga teacher (or attending the 200 hour Yoga Teacher training to simply deepen your practice) can help you improve your physical and mental health and infuse your life with new purpose.

What is Yoga? 

Good question, right?  Do not be fooled by Instagram photos, magazine covers or Youtube videos!  You do not need to be hyper flexible, ridiculously thin or own fancy pants to practice or teach Yoga.

Are you alive? Check.

Do you have a body? Check.

Can you breathe? Check.

Do you want to live your best life? Check.

There! You already have everything you need to get started.   The Yoga Sutras (one of the most important ancient texts on Yoga) states: Yogas-citta-vrtti-nirodha which means: Yoga is the stilling of the fluctuations of the mind.

Yoga can include poses or postures (known as asanas), meditation, breathing exercises, chanting, mudras (hand gestures), prayer, study…ANY action (or stillness) that calms you.  There are thousands of ‘styles’ of Yoga.  I happen to practice and teach Kripalu Yoga- an accessible, gentle form that can be modified to suit almost any ‘body’.

Am I ready?

Have you have practiced Yoga in any form for any length of time and has it changed your life in a positive way? Check.

Do you feel that you found a missing piece of your life when you began the practice of Yoga? Check.

Have friends, family members or other important people in your life noticed the positive changes in you? Check.

Are you telling your friends, family and anyone who will listen that they should come to a class? Check.

When I began teacher training, I had been practicing Yoga for a whole 6 months.  The inspiration came during Savasana (the deep relaxation at the end of any good yoga class).  A single thought popped in my head: “I should teach Yoga”.  With the encouragement of my mentor and first Yoga teacher, Amy Andrews (owner of the famous Yoga Hut in Belleview, FL), I enrolled in training with Jennifer McCracken (of the equally famous Blissful Life Corporation in Ocala, FL) and my journey began.  It wasn’t easy! I dedicated 2 months of my weekends and many evenings of practice, reading and study to the training.  I was out of shape in both body and mind. I struggled to keep up with my classmates physically.  I struggled with my spiritual beliefs (or lack of any belief).  It was the best challenge I ever accepted.

What will I learn in Teacher training?

Most initial training programs are 200 hours in length and include philosophy of Yoga, Asana (yoga poses or postures), Pranayama (breathing exercises), Meditation, Anatomy, Sequencing, Ethics and more. You’ll do A LOT of Yoga (duh) and you’ll do A LOT of ‘practice teaching’ (cringe!).  You’ll have homework and be required to take Yoga classes each week outside of your training time.  You will spend time on spiritual subject matter but Yoga is not a religion.  You’ll begin to explore the meaning of consciousness and how your mind and body work together to bring bliss…or distress.  In order to graduate, you will be required to teach a class and pass a written final exam.

Yoga: Side Hustle or Career?

Once you have completed your training AND make the commitment to teach, Yoga can bring financial rewards.  Local studios, fitness centers, and spas are always looking for qualified, trained teachers.  Opportunities are available at senior centers or nursing homes, large planned unit housing developments (HOA’s-Homeowner Associations) as well as schools or churches.  Employers are also adding Yoga as a benefit with classes offered during the work day at larger corporations.  By leveraging your social media presence, you can find opportunities to teach private lessons.  During your training, you will learn more about how to promote yourself as a Yoga Teacher.

Teaching Yoga is a rewarding part time job.  You choose when and where you want to teach!  However, whether you make this a full time endeavor or a side hustle, it is vital that you do not flake out.  Just like any other job, your reputation is crucial to your success.

Get ready to LEVEL UP!

Once you are ready to dive in, do some research.  Currently, there is no shortage of Yoga Teacher Training opportunities.  A quick search on Facebook or Google will reveal several area Yoga Teacher Schools.  However, not all training programs are suited for everyone.  Find YOUR style. Talk to your Yoga teacher.  Attend a class at the school to get a feel for their style of Yoga.

The best resource for more information about Kripalu Yoga is linked below (you can learn benefits of Yoga as well as how Kripalu Yoga compares to other styles):

www.kripalu.org

If you are ready to take this leap of faith in yourself OR if you know someone who may be interested, follow this link to learn more:

https://www.blissocala.com/200-hour-teacher-training

Or, you can email me directly at: reneeihowerton@gmail.com

It’s never too late to find your passion.  It’s never too late to reboot your life.   Yoga has healed people for thousands of years.  We (the world and all of humanity) need that healing more than ever before.  Whether you decide to teach Yoga after the training or evolve your practice to the next level, you’ll be practicing Seva (service) to the world.

Namaste

Renee

Aspiring Yogi

Lover of Goats

Will shamelessly use gamer lingo although I am totally not a gamer

Will also shamelessly and relentlessly promote Yoga, Teaching of Yoga and Better Living Through Deep Breathing at any given opportunity